BordersLine

Can we all please channel our inner Madonna for a moment....
sing with me..

"Borderline, borderline
feels like I'm going to lose my mind
cuz you keep on pushing my love
over the borderline, borderline"

Now, I have to imagine that Madonna was singing to a gentleman caller in this song (which I like to sheepishly brrraaagggg to all I encounter that my dear friend's father wrote this song!!! how cool is that!), however, I am singing to two little ones not yet out of diapers (or pull-ups, whichever suits your fancy).

The boys and I had another full and quite eventful weekend!!! Really, just Saturday. Saturday was a doozy! So much so, that my little insomniac (according to Jordie, he is NEVER sleepy) went to bed at 6pm FOR THE NIGHT!!! no dinner, no bath, no pj's, nada!

That gives you an idea as to how much I dragged them all about town in an effort to give Ty some quiet time to complete his final paper for school. Whhheeewwww, I'm tired just re-telling it all.

Oh yeah, let me just preface by saying that I for some reason thought it was a grrrreeeat idea to go out with 2 tantrum prone toddlers sans stroller! Alone! Yikes... I wish someone would've warned me!

Let's start at 12:30, when the boys and I left the house. First stop, Babies R Us. I was there to pick up 2 giant bibs so the boys mightpossiblyjustmaybe come home from daycare without their lunch and everyone else's lunches all over their clothes! and play dough. and paint. and snot.
Once I got in the store, I made a mental note to forever remember - NEVER go to BRU on a Saturday afternoon. There were so many prego ladies there creating registries, so many others there shopping off the registries. It was a madhouse!
Anyway, we make it out of there relatively unscathed and we head off to our next stop.

So, I took the boys to the mall. Typically, I would've brought the stoller, but since we were just going for lunch (& they don't allow strollers in the restaurant), I left it in the car. We make 2 quick stops to look for a jacket for Jordan. no luck, so we keep moving.
We get to Friendly's and there is a wait! Uggghhhh. I was shocked at how well the boys were behaving while waiting for a table. They weren't angels, but I was pleased with their efforts.
We sit down. Drinks come. Food comes. The boys eat. The boys drink. The boys fight. Jordan falls out under the table. Aaron kicks off his shoes AND his socks. Mommy sweats.

Lunch over. We all leave in tears.

Off to Old Navy to find this elusive spring jacket. By the time we arrive (no more than 10 minutes later), the truck reaks of something fooooouuuuuuuull! I open the back door and begin changing diapers. in the parking lot. fun times.
We get in the store and all is good. I buy my summer staples (Old Navy flip flops... can't beat 2 for $5). Then I locate Jordan's jacket! The ONLY jacket there and it's a 3T! Jackpot! As we walk to the checkout, we walk by the kids section. I don't know who thought it was a good idea, but having a whole section of puzzles and blocks and balls is sooo not a good look. Jordan was gone (in every sense of the word) after he saw this area designated just for the likes of him. It took me (literally) 15 minutes to get him out of there (w/o losing Aaron) and I had to bribe him with the purchase of a ball. He suckered me and he knew it. My flip flops were $2.50 each, the jacket was $4.99, but that dangblasted ball - $5.50!!! I mean, I get that that's not a lot of money, but still!! Woooo Sahhhh

Time to go. The boys were getting tired and it is now 4:30.
Jordan told me he wanted to go to the bookstore. I had told him earlier in the day that if we had time we'd go to the bookstore. Against my better judgment... we went.

We arrive at Borders and I reason with myself that since I had just changed BOTH boys at Old Navy that I wouldn't weigh myself down with the diaper bag. Ummm, come again? I decided to do what??

Anyway, this lovely gentleman worker held the door for us as we entered (into Hell). Jordan is not pleased with the bookstore b/c he doesn't see any books for him. He cries. A lot. Again, against my better judgment we keep on walking to the kids section. He sees books for him and all is well with the world. We start to pick out our reading material when all of a sudden... grunt grunt. CRIKEY!!!
The boys and I head off for our first experience using the potty in a public restroom!! My worst nightmare has come true!

By the time we got in there, Jordan had already pooped in his pull-up. TMI? Just wait, there's more. He says "more are coming."
There's this little trash can in the stall, so I have him stand on it while I hold him over the toilet. He continues to poop. It's kinda loose... never a good sign. All the while, Aaron is pulling as much toilet paper off the ring as he possibly can. Speed counts. I yell. He stops. He stands in the corner of the stall completely still! He's never been so still. Ha! Just wait, Aaron.

Jordan is still pooping. Then, I see this stream of YOU KNOW WHAT heading in the direction of Aaron. I throw Aaron out of the way and watch urine land on the pile of toilet paper Aaron "prepared" on the floor. Thanks Aaron. I then turn Jordan around to finish in the toilet (all the while hoping he has no more poop that needs to come out).

Finally, he's finished. That's when I realize I DON'T HAVE THE DIAPER BAG!!! Shoot me now. I wet some paper towel and wipe Jordan with that. I clean off his leg and his jeans from where the poop got him when I pulled the dirty pull-up down. Really, will someone just shoot me now?? Like magic, another pull-up appears. I always keep a spare pull-up & diaper in my handbag. Wheewwww. Did you know that unlike diapers, you have to take off shoes, and pants to put on a fresh pull-up? Did you know how un-fun that is in a smelly public bathroom? Don't try it, just take my word for it.

We finally make it out of the bathroom and it is time to go. Before I can execute my escape plan, Aaron runs over to some Random man and asks him to read a book. Did I mention the man is already reading a book to his own child??? Uhhh, Aaron, it's time to go. We grab our books and head for the checkout line. The longest line in history.

I am holding each child's hand, but because of all the activity (errrr, mayhem) my hands are laden with perspiration. Aaron escapes my grasp first. I catch him, give him a good talking to and we get back in line. I lost my place in line and no one was gracious enough to honor my spot. Mmmmm hmmmm, duly noted. We make a little headway, and Aaron takes off again. I am hot on his heels when I hear Jordan right behind me with something in his hands. He then dropped said items (pencils. many many pencils) all over the floor... and I'm lucky enough to get to pick them up.
uhhh, fellow customers, thanks so much for offering to help me, but I'd prefer it if you just STARE!!

We again lose our place in line and must start over. Lucky for us, the line moves quickly. We get to the counter. The girl rings me up and I tell her (I really did tell her) that as soon as I let go of the boys to get my wallet, one of them is going to take off. Guess what happened next? Aaron took off! Really, he might be Olympic-bound. I told you speed counts. I gave the girl the money, left my bag on the counter, told Jordie to not move a muscle "or else" and took off to find Aaron. He was gone. He's tiny and the bookcases are so tall that it would take a miracle to find him. I knew I only had seconds to get him because I still had Jordan up front ALONE. I'm yelling for him, then I hear his laugh as he's running around the kids' section. I grab him and tell him in no uncertain terms that this is NOT FUNNY! He immediately begins to cry. He's very sensitive. By the time I get back to the checkout, the sales girl is holding my change and I just tell her to throw it in the bag.

We leave. Again, in tears.
What was supposed to be a 20 minute stop in Borders turned into well over an hour.

By the time we got home, Jordan was knocked out. As it turns out... for the night.
Aaron soon followed. Thank God.

Many lessons were learned on this fateful day out...
But I was also happy to learn that even though I was tested... we all made it home safely. and probably not permanently scarred.

"keep pushing me, keep pushing me
keep pushing my love
come on baby, come on darling
borderline"